Here’s the latest on the most self-centered, insensitive, manipulative beeyotch.
Let’s see – was it two weeks ago that I’d just gotten over a real nasty three day cold (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday) ? Yes, and the next day (Friday), she wants me to drive the usual hundred miles each way give or take to come see her.
When I get there my father is sneezing up a storm and has a bad cold, which she knew about since that morning but never bothered to call and tell me about.
So she knew my immune system is always vulnerable to colds, and she knew full well I was just recovering from one, and she sets me up to get another one right away.
Because you see, she doesn’t give a damn in I get sick, she just wants what she wants, and if I hadn’t showed up, she couldn’t have forced my sneezing sick father to go out to dinner, which is what SHE wanted to do.
She follows that blatant bitchery up by having me sleep in the guest room – where when I walk into it that night after we got back from dinner — the window evidently has been wide open all day/night to the 40 degree cold, and there is no heating turned on in the back of the house.
Now she COULD have aired the room out for an hour or two during the middle of the day, and then turned the heat on to 70 degrees prior to my arrival.
She knew I’d be sleeping back there, knew I’d been in bed with a bad cold for the prior 3 days – knew if she’s spent a nanosecond thinking about it that I’d be in an ice cold bedroom with a thin blanket and shivering.
But that would have been CONSIDERATE.
And you see, since SHE isn’t cold in her nicely warm part of the house, my comfort or immune system doesn’t enter her head.
Then today is Bob’s funeral. It was scheduled for Friday, but you see, that wasn’t CONVENIENT for Mrs. Beeyotch, so she insisted they move it to Wednesday, never mind what worked for any of the other 40 mourners who were his friends.
My schedule had been totally free on Friday.
But it just so happened I had to be “x” at 1:30 on Wednesday (something I had had planned for the last two months) – and was going to have to leave after the funeral pretty lickety-split to get there.
Beeyotch arrives and informs that she left her car at her friend’s house and I need to drop her back at her friend’s house after the funeral.
I say to her “you know I have to do “x” which is 45 miles from here.
Basically, Beeyotch couldn’t care less. She expects to be dropped off, and has made it so that she doesn’t have another ride.
Never mind if I have to leave the funeral before the internment because of this, never mind if I am late to ‘X”.
Once again, the utter lack of consideration for me is in full TYPICAL display.
Classic Mommy Dearest, one seemingly minor incident after the other after the other, adding up non-stop for the last 50 something years.
So when I get home finally after ‘x’ I am annoyed.
I call her and say ‘mom, next time you want me to do something, ASK me first. Do not pull something on me like that again.
Silly me.
Mommy Dearest says she had no choice.
Mommy Dearest says she’d rather have me mad at her than her friend mad at her.
Mommy Dearest then (in order to get out of answering a direct question), pulls the fake drama tears routine and asks HOW I can do this to her on a day like today?
Yes, Mommy dearest, first let’s try playing helpless victim, then let’s show your passive aggressive side of who matter most in your pecking order, and then let’s try to make me the bad guy who is being insensitive to YOU.
I loathe that beeyotch. I try to limit my time with her as much as possible.
And it never fails, she still manages to pull something massively self-centered EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Thank you Sophia – I appreciate it!
Im sorry too. Guess the best thing to do is just what you are and limit your time with her. Hugs from Va.
Thank you Donna! She just flabbergasts me. Once or twice, you might not notice things like this. But time after time after time? Grrrrr.
some day we’ll have to compare stories. stay away! why put yourself through this? be too busy, too sick, too something and don’t go! do not be manipulated. she can only do it if you let her. no guilt either, SHE is the mother and is not behaving like one. allow yourself the joy of “no”.
giant hugs honey,
bee
xoxoxooxox
THANK YOU, Bee! – and definitely let’s compare stories one day – we may end up laughing ourselves hoarse as we try to top one another!
I can stay away until my Dad’s 92nd birthday in March – that will give me a breather for a little while!
Very good advice, and hugs back to you as well:)
good, stay away until then and don’t think about her!
She sounds bi-polar like my mom. I remember getting a bad flu when I was 14 – throwing up all day. My loving caring mom asks me if I’m pregnant – always worried about her own image over the wellfare of her own daughter.
Lauren,
We clearly have the same Mother. You hit the nail on the head s accurately. Ugh, so true, in so many ways. Self-absorption taken to an art form.
My empathy to you.
I absolutely cannot believe you gave her a ride. You know you need to stop enabling her, right?
That said, I feel for you. But I do love the bunny!!
MA
Sigh, you are right. I should have just left her there.
She pulls that crap when she thinks she has me trapped.
Behaves like an addict, doesn’t she, with the manipulation? And she is totally sober, just selfish to the extreme. Grrrr.
Of course this is easy for me to say. And since you’re a good person, you’ll inevitably feel remorse afterward. So there’s no easy answer.
MA
Honey, it is all about control…don’t let her do that to you any more! You are a big girl now and can say NO…a lot. Just do it. Your heart and your inner peace don’t need this krappola.
Sending hugs…
THANK YOU, Sandy! You are correct – and it is an eye opener to see this more clearly through your eyes!
It is empowering me!
Hugs back:)
Oh my….
this is so infuriating. I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
Such a tough place to be.
A little scream therapy perhaps
Dear Won,
Everyone is making me see that this is about CHOICE, and I get to choose to bow out and not play her games! Whoo-hoo, freedom awaits!
Ugh, so infuriating and because she’s your mother its so dang hard to say no, to walk away….all in the name of family. Hugs
You certainly pinned that one, Silver!
I think it has to come down to me not giving her that power anymore – anymore than I would give it to someone else.
‘Just Say NO to manipulation’ shall be my catchphrase for 2012!
((Hugs))
(PS — I take it she doesn’t know about your blog?? LOL)
Dear Shari,
She has no clue about my blog.
But when I did tell her about my old travel blog, she was never interested enough to look – typical of her, and so insulting.
And thank you, you said it right – she has NEVER been what a loving parent is supposed to be about. Hard to know that about your own Mom, a very bitter pill to swallow, but it is what it is, and now I have to take charge and be my OWN parent.
You are VERY lucky to have a great Mom – and with her as a role model, and your own awareness, I am sure that you are a great Mom too!
((HUGS))
Oh I’m so sorry you have to endure this – usually we can avoid difficult people like this. However, when it’s your mother, it is so challenging to apply the typical rules for dealing with toxic people. Hang in there – deep breaths and do say no and speak up when you can.
Good Friday morning and thank you, Stephanie.
So true. You are right – the typical rules for toxic people have to apply here as well.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
The less time I spend in her presence, the less she can play her games.
I’m also capable of LEAVING next time she pulls one, which I just realized:)
I love seeing that you know you are at CHOICE! YAY FOR YOU!!!
And, lots of love, too. I’ve got a Mommy Dearest of my own.
I’m the only one of her four daughters (well, there are 5, but we don’t know where the one she gave up for adoption is) that doesn’t react to her stuff. Years in Al-Anon & CODA made me aware that I needed to stop enabling her, but it didn’t happen until I went through the training to become a Life Coach.
I remember the first time I was gently honest with her. I was driving from my niece’s house in San Diego to see my mother in Tucson. I had called to let her know I’d gotten a late start. She started her usual harping, and I just listened. When she finished, I told her the reason I was late starting was that I really didn’t want to go see her. She said, “If you don’t want to come, then don’t!”
It was one of those “light from Heaven” moments… no sooner were the words out of her mouth than a turnout appeared to my right. I steered the car into it and turned the car around, headed for my father’s gravesite north of L.A.
Twenty minutes later she told me she needed to know if I was coming or not. “No, Mom, I made a U-turn when you told me not to come if I didn’t want to.”
We BOTH sighed with relief. My impending visit was causing her as much stress as it was me! We had a LOVEly conversation for another twenty minutes, then I went on my newly-merry way.
We’ve had other moments of me setting the boundaries down again, and each time it shifts our relationship in a way that is better for me.
I hope you find good shifts with your Mom!
After all, SHIFT HAPPENS!
Much love to you, Sweet Friend!
Joanna,
You said it so true – when you set your boundaries, the shift happens.
THANK YOU, dear frined.
Love it – and you, for the growth and kindness you bring through your words:)
I cringed reading this, Cinderella. I’m so sorry your mom chooses to see herself at the epicenter of the universe.
I will say, quite emphatically, how happy I am for you that you did not grow up to mirror your mother’s selfishness or lack of regard for others. You are a lovely, considerate woman, which is a testament to your inner strength after growing up in the shade cast by a poisonous woman like your mother.
Hugs to you. I also send wonderful imaginary chocolate.
Thank you, thank, you, thank you for, that, Kay:)
That means a lot to me that you feel and see that. It is huge that I am not like her, because it means that I have passed the lesson God gave me through having her as a Mother.
And I am greatly enjoying the cyber chocolate covered strawberries that you sent:)
How can you say no to your mom? Its cool that you do for her because many don’t do for their
parents after a while, which is sad. I’ve always tried to do for her and remind myself when “those days” happen, if I
don’t do who will do for her.
Hi ShellyP,
You sounds like you are very loving to your Mom!